day 21: brave in the "but if not"
This is the space I am living in right now - I know God can work in my circumstances but I'm also very much living in the space of "but if not" I am still going to trust him anyway.
I have some big, in my face, on my heart all day long drama going on in my life at the moment but God is right here, in this space with me. Asking me if I will trust.
This morning my husband and I had to have a pretty hard conversation about our finances that left us feeling a bit worn-down and world-weary. He moved on to leave for work and I stood in my kitchen making breakfast, with the baby in a sling. As I ran the blender I could feel my sweet boy curl into my chest in fear at that big scary loud noise. He cried a little as I pulsed the blender. I said "it's okay, buddy. I'm here. I know it's scary. I've got you." And promptly burst into tears because I could feel my Daddy-God saying the same thing to my heart. It's okay, I know this is scary, I've got you.
I'm not writing this from my happily ever after. I wish I could write "and then everything worked out just fine" but I can't say that right now. I don't know what is going to happen. I don't know where we are going to end up with our situation. I know God sees me. I know he cares for me. I know He is not surprised by this. I know He is working in this for good. I know He is able to rescue us from us from our money-problems. But if not He is still good. He has still got me.
But if not are some scary words to speak. But they are the words I need to say right now. I am going to trust God no matter what.
Closing: Psalm 27 (NIV)
1The Lord is my light and my salvation—
whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life—
of whom shall I be afraid?
2When the wicked advance against me
to devour me,
it is my enemies and my foes
who will stumble and fall.
3Though an army besiege me,
my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
even then I will be confident.
4One thing I ask from the Lord,
this only do I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
all the days of my life,
to gaze on the beauty of the Lord
and to seek him in his temple.
5For in the day of trouble
he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent
and set me high upon a rock.
6Then my head will be exalted
above the enemies who surround me;
at his sacred tent I will sacrifice with shouts of joy;
I will sing and make music to the Lord.
7Hear my voice when I call, Lord;
be merciful to me and answer me.
8My heart says of you, “Seek his face!”
Your face, Lord, I will seek.
9Do not hide your face from me,
do not turn your servant away in anger;
you have been my helper.
Do not reject me or forsake me,
God my Savior.
10Though my father and mother forsake me,
the Lord will receive me.
11Teach me your way, Lord;
lead me in a straight path
because of my oppressors.
12Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,
for false witnesses rise up against me,
spouting malicious accusations.
13I remain confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living.
14Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord.
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